My First

I was having a conversation with a play partner the other day about how much I have been able to learn and grow over the last month. To my surprise as well as his I have changed from a sweet and shy girl into an incredibly sexy woman. Yes, I am plus size but that doesn’t change the fact that I can arouse men with not only my body but also with my words and my mind. Until I had my first eye-opening moment with this man I was curious but very afraid to dive into the lifestyle. It wasn’t only for fear of not being accepted as beautiful but the fear of the unknown I think.

This man walked into my life quite by accident and I made all the mistakes with this partner that one could possibly make. I was so ready to experience the things that I had been reading about that I didn’t take the time to ask the proper questions. I really don’t think I even knew at the time what the proper questions were but I found out shortly after the things that we both should have been asking of each other.

After only our second play date he decided that he didn’t want to play with me anymore. I will not share his reasons here because they are his reasons but I will share that I was totally crushed. I was hurt and felt abandoned and truthfully I just wanted to die. That’s when it hit me… I have been going about this all wrong. I don’t have to submit to every man who wants to play. My submission should be earned and I do have the right to take it back once I have given it. I found me some good friends on here and I started asking a ton of questions. I am sure that I annoyed every Dom friend that I had made (haha). I found the answers that I had been seeking and applied them to the next play date that I had, which oddly enough was with the man who said he didn’t wanna play anymore.

This man had been watching me from afar over the time that we hadn’t been in contact and he had begun to notice the changes in my attitude and my openness. I met with him and we talked. We talked about what happened between us and why it happened. Not that any of that matters at all because it don’t. The one thing that does matter here is that I finally told this man thank you. I thanked him for changing my life. He set me on my path of self-discovery and I will forever be grateful to him for that. I have learned what it means to be submissive and what my submission means to me. I have learned a little about protecting myself as well as the person that I am playing with. The most important thing I have learned about is negotiations. I didn’t realize that I could use my voice. If it’s not right for me I have an obligation to speak up and say it’s not right. I don’t have to take peoples bullshit either. I am not a doormat and I will not be used unless I want to be used.

We did play a little that night but the play was so different this time around. It felt more natural, I was enjoying myself and I think he did as well. When we parted ways that night there had been a weight lifted off my mind and my heart. We parted as friends and we promised that we would still play together when the time permitted. He is not the only man to have changed my life since I started this journey but he has made a profound impact on my life. If he reads this he will know who he is.

#submissive #BDSM




As quickly as it all began it ended and left me feeling really hurt and rejected. I cared deeply for this man and thought that everything was going well. I just couldn’t understanding why he was casting me aside like this. What had I done? Was I not good enough?

The first few days were the hardest. I missed his good morning messages and I missed him checking on me and making sure I was okay. I even missed sending him pics throughout the day. He liked getting pics from me where I was flashing my tits in public. Now at first I wasn’t real comfortable with the nudity in pubic because if I got caught I would lose my job. At some point even that didn’t matter to me anymore.

It wasn’t long into our relationship that he messaged me and told me that he couldn’t play with me anymore. I understood his reasons but that didn’t make the rejection any easier for me to handle. For a few days I was really sad and cried a lot. Then I kinda got over it and began to move on. I worked on my profile on FetLife and threw myself into trying to find another partner to play with.

In the process of all this I met some really amazing men. Men that made me feel like I was beautiful and that I was perfect just the way I was. Just as my Sir had when we were playing together. I still thought of him every day but I was starting to miss him less as time went by.

Then one day out of nowhere he comes back into my life and stirs it up again. The tears began to flow as I felt that all too familiar ache in my heart. I missed him as much today as I did in the beginning.

He told me that he had missed me and that he would like to see me again. Why am I even considering this? I know he will hurt me again but he is like a drug. I can’t stay away. I still hope this time is different.

#submissive # subintraining # Sir # broken heart #submit #kitty

The Journey

Today marks the third day since I met someone who has become important to me on my path to self descovery. I met him on Saturday and it is now Tuesday. In that time frame we have played together twice. My body feels alive for the first time in years. I hope one day I can find the words I need to thank him for everything he has done for me.

Last night was different than the first night. Last night we played indoors and he brought his bag of wonders. Hmm…. I think I like that. Bag of wonders… Yep, I’ll keep using that haha! So, in this bag of wonders he had all kinds of things to bring pleasure and pain to a body. Different whips and emplents of punishment, toys purely for pleasure and a box that emits electricity. I never looked at what was in the bag until it was over and I’m glad that I didn’t because I may have been scared.

I took all my clothes off and we just sat and talked for a bit until I became somewhat comfortable with being nude. I am not very comfortable with my own nudity at all. That is something I need to work on, also recieving compliments.

He told me to lie flat on my belly and with no hesitation I did just as he instructed me. I closed my eyes and could hear him moving about the room as anticipation mounted inside me. I made myself lay there still with my eyes closed.

When he finally touched me it was electric… Literally! There were all these little shocks being moved all about my body and when he touched me on my lower back my ass moved up into the touch. Its almost as if my body had a mind of it own. It just happened. I wanted to feel him inside me but no…. I had to wait.

There were other things that he done… Of which I am not sure exactly what they were. I was so focused of the feeling mounting inside me that I lost all sense of reality and everything around me. I became hyper aware of his touch and the feeling inside me.

He shackeled my wrists with leather cuffs that are connected by a chain. And turned me over and stimulated my nipples with the magic box of electricity. The feeling was almost more than I could bare. I was moaning very loudly I am sure, or was it just loud to me because I was in my head? He slid his fingers into my now soaking wet pussy and began to play with it, hard and rough, I exploded into one of the most awesome orgasms that I had ever had.

He continued to play with me over and over again as I laid there on the bed unable to move because I had lost all ability to move. My muscles ached with desire and I wanted this man in a way that I can’t explain.

He had me stand, helping me as I did so and holding me til I was steady on my feet. He had me hold on to the back of a chair and began fucking my pussy from behind with those expert hands of his. He kept sliding his fingers into me, to my very core, and I could feel the heat mounting in my groin. His touch became rough and harder. Its as if he were reaching inside me for something but what could it be. Suddenly my knees got weak and I burst into another orgasm. I squirted. It was like a river flowing out of me right down my legs. I was so shocked by the feeling that I began to giggle from embarrassment. We talked a bit about what just happened and he assured me that it was a good thing and made me feel more comfortable about what had just happened.

I used my colors last night. Both yellow and red. Never really had to use them much but this man is committed to pushing my body and my mind to its limits. I guess I better get used to hearing myself say yellow and red. I have a feeling I’m gonna be saying them alot.

He dropped me off in front of my apartment building and I kissed him goodnight. The sweet kisses at the end are wonderful. He always tells me thank you for playing with me. Im sure I blush. Thank goodness it was 5am and still dark out.

I came into the house and changed clothes. I did not sleep nude last night for the first time in a long time. Not sure why I chose to put on a nightgown but I did. Maybe I thought the clothing would offer my sensitive body some protection from the roughness of my blankets. I crawled into bed and didnt fall asleep right away. I laid there thinking about all that I had just experienced with this man and I felt so alive.

I finally drifted off to sleep but woke several times. When I would roll over my body would ache to the point of waking me from a dead sleep. I need to remember to take some Advil when I get home next time.

I am a bit worried about sub drop. I dont know much about it but hear that it can happen up to three days later. I need to do some research of my own on that.

I am so glad that I have met this man and he can lead me on this journey that I have begun. Thank you Sir for everything. You are truly amazing.

#submissive #BDSM #spanking #electrostimulation #squirting #Sir

Finding Myself

I have met a man. This man has helped me to understand so much about myself in the short time I have known him.

But first lets rewind to two nights ago. I had just gotten off work and got online to check a chat that I am in. Just to see what others had planned for a Saturday night.

I was casually saying that I either needed some dick or a spanking one (my memory on that aint too good) and he said that he could be on his way. I gave him my address and told him to come on. 40 min later he was picking me up outside my apartment building.

We drove to a spot that I know about at the end of a dead end road. We parked and started talking. His eyes lit up when I said that I was submissive and thats where the fun began.

He played with my pussy some while we were in the vehicle. He then told me to open the door and he would come around. He began to play with me while he was standing outside the vehicle and I was seated inside.

He had me stand up and after a few mins he told me to strip. Which I quickly did with no hesitation at all even though it was only 20° outside at the time.

I cant remember what happened moment by moment because I was so into what was happening to me. I was so focused on his touch and the feelings it was causing inside me that the concept of trying to remember even my own name seemed foreign to me.

He done things to my body that I have only read about. I found pleasure in him spanking me and him twisting my nipples. I found pleasure in him fingering my pussy hard and rough. He was biting me and scratching me. He called me a good girl. Oh how I love to be called a good girl.

He was very in touch with my body language and attended to my needs. He was always very careful to not push me too hard as he knew this was my first time venturing this far. He was constantly asking me if I was alright and how I felt.

The encounter with this man lasted for 3 hours and I experienced way more pleasure in those 3 short hours than I have in years. I gave myself to this man to use as he wished and in return I gained so much. I now have a clearer understanding of what it means to be submissive. I still dont know how a submissive is supposed to act. I suspect that I will be on punishment quite a bit in the future until I get all that sorted. Hehe!

After it was over and he said that he thought we should stop now because he didn’t wanna push me too far I got redressed. As I was putting my clothes back on I suddenly realized just how cold I was and how sore my body was. I was so cold that my skin felt like ice and every time I moved my muscles would protest.

The next morning was the really tough part. It hurt to get out of the bed. I drug myself up and out of the bed and to the sofa. I stayed on the sofa relaxing for most of the day. Finally about 7pm I took a long hot bath and soaked my still aching body.

And even though I am so sore I can’t wait to play with him again.

#submissive #BDSM #spanking #hookedonpain

Extended Absence

I am sorry that I have been away so long. I have been doing alot of thinking over the past few weeks and maybe I have things figured out… Probably not.

I have not been in a very good place emotionally. I have been thinking alot about the past and the things that happened to me to shape my life… Things that I had no control over but still fell like are my fault.

Im gonna try to get back into this again soon as I do have some.e exciting things to write about now.

Please stick with me guys. I am on the mend.


I myself am a plus size girl and all the images of submission I see on the internet are women who are smaller than me. It does make me feel as if I don’t belong sometimes.

I am submissive and have made the mistake in the past of thinking I needed a big man to control me and dominate me. I realize now that submission is just that… Submission. My submission is a gift that I give freely to someone. If he has to take it then its not submission.

I have started seeing someone who is a lot thinner than my normal type. It has not hindered my ability to submit to him. Although I have not submitted fully I know in my heart that when its time I can.

#submission #BDSM #sizedoesnotmatter

Random Thoughts

Today I think I would like to wright about age. Specifically age difference and if it has any real impact on a dynamic.

As I think back on my life I am reminded of a time when I liked older boys. They smoked, drank, and could drive. The stereotypical bad boy type complete with muscle car and black leather motorcycle jacket. I remember the excitement they brought into my life. I didn’t know it then but they were all very alpha male types; very dominate in behavior. I wonder sometimes if any of these young men found their way into the life.

Thinking back I have always been submissive. I only learned that there was a term for it by accident and quite recently. I remember when I first learned about BDSM I was intrigued. I set out to learn as much as I could which has led me to writing this blog. I have lots of questions that need answers. Lots of deep thoughts to be pondered on.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Age. What is age exactly? It could mean the number of years a given person has been alive or it could also be measured in experience. Young or old I think we all are the same and want the same things. Especially those whom I have met that live the LS. Right now though I am struggling a bit with the actual number of years someone has been alive.

I am thinking about entering into a dynamic with a man that is 15 years younger that myself. I myself do not think his age will hinder my ability to submit to him. I have talked to others who think that it will. They say it will fall apart eventually and maybe they are right. I can’t say that I don’t have any reservations about the arrangement because I do. He is still young and has no children of his own. If things work out as I hope they would he would be giving up his chance to have his own biological children and grandchildren. I have 5 children of my own and have been surgically sterilized so I can’t have anymore.

So as I sit here I wonder… Will this effect our relationship and how we interact with eachother on any level at all? Am I truly free to love this man and submit to him in the way that’s required in order to make the dynamic fulfilling for us both? These are the questions that I need to find answers to before this arrangement goes too far. Hopefully soon I will find some kind of information or he will say something that will make my decision a lot easier. I just need to remind myself to listen to my gut and not over think the situation. Take each new bit of information and analyze it completely so I don’t make a rash decision.

The thought that I would like to leave you with tonight is this…. Before entering into any kind of relationship one must think about the future. Do not give pieces of yourself away that you can never get back to someone who isn’t putting their all into it also. Always communicate your desires to your partner. Always love and always above all else never be with someone you can’t submit to fully.

#submission #dynamic #randomthoughts #BDSM


These are my thoughts on being collared….

It would take a very special man to slip a collar around my neck and expect me to wear it. I would have to be sure that he would love me, protect me and intend on staying with me. This is not a game to me. Most men I have met in the present think this is a sex game. Being submissive is soooo much more to me. Its everything to me. It encompasses all aspects of my life. I live to serve my master and do not feel whole unless I am possessed by someone. I am only half… He is the other half. Together we make a whole.

#submission #BDSM #collared


Her phone alerts her that there is a new message. She picks up her phone and turns it over to see who it is. She smiles sweetly to herself because he has been on her mind all day. A man known to her only as Greg.

He asks her, “What would you say if I asked you if you wanted any fat cock tonight?”.

She simply messages him

“I would say yes!”.

“I would say please.”

He tells her that since she asked so nice that he would come by tonight. Her mind is racing and the anticipation of him coming to her tonight starts to build.

She goes and gets in the shower to wash and ready her body for his inspection. She does this because she knows that he likes for her to be clean and fresh for him. She dresses in a rush and combs her hair. She gathers up her cigarettes and her cell phone to go outside and wait.

As she is waiting she can’t help but wonder what he has in mind for the night. Will he be a hungry wolf looking to consume her soul? Maybe he will be the sweet and gentle man she had last time.

She starts to imagine what it would be like to meet the wolf that is buried deep within him. She shudders with the thought. She is sure that he would never hurt her. She trusts him. She feels safe with him.

She holds her breath everytime headlights come into her view. She is nervous about his arrival tonight. She has a hunger for him that burns deep within her. She can’t wait to feel his hands on her. She is wet just thinking about his hard cock being inside her, filling her wet pussy with his hot cum. She wonders if he will wanna taste her tonight. The thought is almost too much for her so she starts to think of something else just as a car turns into the driveway.

He exits the car in a hurry. He is excited to see her standing out in the cold waiting on him. He smiles at her as she opens the door and lets him inside. No words are needed as she leads him to the bedroom.

As soon as the bedroom door is closed he begins to remove his clothing. There is a strict rule that when daddy is in the room they both are to remain naked at all times. She stops to watch him remove his clothes. He looks at her kinda puzzled and raises one eyebrow. He tells her to get her clothes off now before he rips them off. She giggles shyly and begins to undress.

They are both standing there naked looking at eachother. She knows that he enjoys this part but she always feels so exposed. There is nothing to hide any of the flaws. She admires how beautiful his body is and notices that he is already aroused. She begins to wonder if his cock is always hard or is this what she does to him.

He grabs her naked breast in one hand and circles the nipple on the other with his tongue. He is looking up at her so he can see her reaction. Her head falls back as she begins to tremble under the feeling of his hands on her. He slides a hand down her belly and holds her hot and now soaking wet pussy in his hand. He tells her that he is gonna make her purr for him tonight and her eyes light up with delight.

He forces her to her knees as he stands before her with his hard cock in his hand. He instructs her to open up and she obeys him as he slides his rigid cock into her warm mouth. She slides her lips along the shaft as her tongue swirls around the head of his cock. His head falls back and a low growl escapes from deep within him. He looks down on her, she is on her knees looking up at him. He runs his hands through her long red hair as he moans. There is a longing in his eyes. A hunger.

He wraps his hands up in her hair and begins to hold her firm as he forces his cock further into her mouth. She gags on his cock as it hits the back of her throat. As she gags he sighs. He loves the sound of her gagging on his thick cock while she is kneeling at his feet. Everytime she reaches up to push him back he slaps her hands away hard. She loves playing this game with him.

The hunger in his eyes is growing as he moves in and out of her mouth, fucking her face deep. He looks down at her as he is about to cum and notices that she is looking up at him. He takes one final thrust to the back of her throat as she gags and begins to cum. She moans deeply as she feels his hot cum hit her tongue. He pulls his still hard cock out of her mouth as she licks her lips and smiles. He tells her to show him so she opens her mouth and shows him his cum inside. She closes her mouth and smiles, swallows and looks up at him with her hands resting on her thighs.

He tells her to lay on the bed, she quickly obeys this command as he spreads her legs open wide. He tells her that she has been such a good girl that he is going to reward her as he slides two fingers into her wet pussy. He begins to stroke her from the inside as his hungry mouth starts to move toward her pussy. He teases her with light licks on the lips. She is squirming and trying to get away so he hooks her hips and pulls her toward him. His licks become harder and begin to reach the inside. He begins to suck on her swollen clit as she explodes into an orgasm. He doesn’t stop as she thrusts her hips up to meet his hungry tongue.

He immediately rolls her over on her belly and has her lay flat. He puts a pillow under her hips to raise her bottom just a bit and takes his position behind her. He slides his rigid cock into her soaking wet pussy as she moans deeply. He loves the sounds she makes while he is inside her. He places one hand on her head and holds her down. The other hand has one of her wrists held behind her. He is moving in and out of her in slow deep strokes. As she begins to moan loudly her pussy begins to tighten around him driving him mad. He slows and bends down to whisper in her ear. He tells her not yet kitten, the wolf is still hungry. He tells her that he is gonna fill her pussy full of his cum and make her his. After tonight she will belong to him. He kisses her on her back as he begins to plunge deep into her again. Slow and deep.

She starts begging him for more. He loves to hear her beg for his cum. His strokes become harder and faster. She knows that he cant control himself much longer as he puts his hands on her hips. She asks for permission to cum and he simply nods as he cannot speak, she begins to cum on his cock as he is slamming into her. A loud moan escapes him as he takes one final thrust into her and she can fill him pumping his hot cum into her.

He rolls off of her as she rolls over. He is laying there with his head propped up on one hand. She reaches down and feels the cum oozing out of her. He tells her to go ahead and play as he knows what’s on her mind. She slips one finger inside and feels how slick and creamy it feels as a soft moan escapes her. She begins to rub her clit hard. It doesn’t take her long to begin to cum. He tells her to look at him when she cums. She looks deep into his eyes as he slides two fingers inside her and begins to offer her help. She begins to cum so hard that her legs are shaking. He withdraws his fingers and watches her body twitch for a moment.

He lays back and she rests her head on his chest. He begins to play with her hair and talk about his day. He talks as she listens. This is how it always ends with them and she is okay with that. She is happy to give him whatever he needs as she belongs to him. After they cuddle for a bit its time for him to leave. He puts his clothes back on as she puts her gown on. She walks him to the door and he hugs her. As he hugs her he whispers thank you kitten in her ear. She watches as he gets into his car and drives away.

#submission #BDSM #dominance #kinky

Random thoughts

Ok… So I have been sleeping with some random guy that I met on the internet. The sex is good but not awesome. He is just dominate enough to keep my attention but not exactly what I want or need.

We got together last night and it seems as something has changed with him. He is becoming more dominate each time we talk. Even his verbiage has become more aggressive. Could it be that he was hiding all this from me all along? And if he has been, what else is he hiding from me?

After sex he always talks. He talks about his awful day at work or just other random things. I always listen to him and just be there. I’m guessing that he just needs me to listen. Anyway, some things have me thinking that he is married. Its things like the late night visits and the talking after sex. Then there’s the leaving after. He never wants to stay but I have never asked him to either.

I realized last night that I have been carrying on a very sexual relationship with this man and I dont even know his name really. All I know is his first name and I’m not even sure now thats his name. I asked him if I may know his whole name. He said maybe one day. He asked why it even mattered and the truth is, I don’t think it does matter. Not to me anyway.

Anyway… This was on my mind tonight and I needed to let it out. Enjoy reading about my fucked up life and my fucked up thoughts.

#submissive #BDSM #master #d/s